My Mind, Liver, and the Future - R.P. Lauer

(Alternate Title: Random Ramblings and the Derailed Train of Thought)

This post has no specific point, it's just some ramblings. There's a lot going on in my life right now, as with most people these days, but I just feel compelled to get a few things out of my brain while I can.

For the last few years, my health has been slowly (and then not so slowly) deteriorating. I've been seeking answers from various doctors, with very little to show at the moment; though that should change soon, I hope. Part of this deterioration has involved my mind. Memories are starting to fade, or be replaced with things I don't think are correct. I struggle often to find a word or phrase, and even though I cannot think of the right one, I know that I should know; somehow I just know that I know what I'm looking for, but my mind is failing me. It's hard to articulate, but it's a frustrating feeling.

Other issues with my mind have been difficulty focusing and moments of confusion. Often it feels like I'm walking around in a mental cloud or haze.

Earlier this year, after a surgery, I became jaundice. It turned out that my liver was failing. An ultrasound revealed mild scaring. A follow up six months later showed no significant change, so a biopsy was ordered, which I had on Friday the 13th (fun). That went ok, better than I had expected; though I will say that I've been very worn out ever since, even here four days later. And as the minutes, hours, and days pass by, I try and busy myself while the worry of what the biopsy has to say eats at me.

In researching, my wife found that liver damage can cause a lot of problems with the mind, including memory loss, lack of focus, and confusion (among other things of course). In fact, there are a lot of other things that do seem to possibly fit in with whatever is going on with my liver, but that would end up being such a long and boring list. So instead I'll just move on. Right now I think the main thing on my mind is, well, my mind.

Basically, I feel like I am losing it. And what a wonderful time in my life to try and write fiction.

In the meantime, I really am trying to keep my mind as occupied as possible; I'm trying to be optimistic, I really am. It's just tough, very tough.

It looks like I may have missed my train of thought; there was a layover somewhere and I was apparently in the bathroom or something when it departed the station. So I'm going to find something else to do while I wait for a connecting flight (or whatever those are called). Maybe later when I relocate my way, I'll try and finish my random ramblings. Thank you for reading!

(It didn't help that my dog, Evvy, kept coughing the entire time I tried to write this. But that is another story.)